It only takes a few devastating knock-downs to start believing your own hype: You didnвЂ™t just fail. You can create the conditions for those things to be more likely, but theyвЂ™re never guaranteed.ДЄnd when you believe that the only reason you failed to get what you want is because you fucked up, thatвЂ™s where shame comes in. ItвЂ™s not up to you if you get that promotion, make a million dollars, become a best-selling author, etc. They make you think you have more control than you actually do.

And youвЂ™ll only be able to achieve short term goals on a temporary basis.ДЄnything long term becomes impossible. When you get used to getting results through sheer willpower and teeth-gritting sacrifice, you think thatвЂ™s the only way you can have what you want.

ItвЂ™s why I got straight AвЂ™s in high school then got straight CвЂ™s in college. ItвЂ™s why most dieters usually end up gaining back the weight they just lost and more. This kind of вЂњonвЂќ and вЂњoffвЂќ toggle approach to goals creates cycles of rigidity and rebellion. See whatвЂ™s happening there? YouвЂ™re splitting your life into two distinct modes. They establish вЂњstrivingвЂќ and вЂњnormalвЂќ modes of living.Д®ver said or thought stuff like this? вЂњOnce I get that job, IвЂ™ll stop caring about networking.вЂќ вЂњOnce I make more money, IвЂ™ll stop caring about my budget.вЂќ вЂњOnce I lose 20 pounds, IвЂ™ll let myself eat whatever I want.вЂќ You always feel the lack and emptiness of not having it, and you develop a fear of never having it.ДЇear can serve as fuel for a while, but fight or flight can only get you so far for so long. When you fixate on achieving a perfect, future state, you constantly feel behind.

That study has since then been debunked.) (Some of you might be recalling a Harvard study that showed that simply naming goals predicted higher achievement and success. Just having a goal doesnвЂ™t mean a thing about whether youвЂ™ll achieve it. One quote I read summed this problem up bluntly: вЂњWinners and losers have the same goals.вЂќ Though I donвЂ™t think about the world in terms of вЂњwinnersвЂќ and вЂњlosersвЂќ anymore, I get the point. Keep readingвЂ¦ Why Most Goals Suck TheyвЂ™re vague and unhelpful. Well, I want you to know that youвЂ™re not alone, and thereвЂ™s another way. Until one day, you realize you canвЂ™t get yourself to do anything unless thereвЂ™s a negative consequence. The problem is, it doesnвЂ™t work when you grow up because no oneвЂ™s on the hook for you anymore. My teacher saw it right away and told me to wash it off, disappointment in her eyes, my face flushed with shame.ДЄnd it would not be the last time that getting caught cheating actually got me to learn the material better. Problem was, my kid scrawl was so wonky that the word ended up extending down the entire length of my tiny arm. Before a spelling test, I wrote the word вЂњenvironmentвЂќ onto my arm, so I could sneakily look at it during the test. Her smile would be just slightly lowered, her voice a little less shiny, or sheвЂ™d look away and sigh. Why settle for 2nd place when you can get 1st? Why settle for an A- if you can get an A+? My kid brain didnвЂ™t care about those things, but I did care that my mom would clap and smile and kiss my cheeks when I came home with a blue ribbon or a 100% test score.ДЄnd when I didnвЂ™t, she wouldnвЂ™t get angry or yell at me. вЂњBe the best.вЂќ was the goal I was told to shoot for. It flies in the face of everything we were taught in school, and what many of us were taught as kids. ThereвЂ™s a revolution happening in our collective understanding of goals, motivation, and achievement.

You used to scrawl me achievement